January
On New Year's Day, a startled Sir Paul McCartney awakes from his slumber and sits bolt upright. Yes, his iconic Glastonbury 2022 set was generally well received, but Macca had accidentally forgotten his three most beloved songs: the jolly "Wonderful Christmastime", the bagpipe-laden "Mull of Kintyre" and the nonsensical classic "Coming Up". The Scouse legend begins playing around with some synthesisers, and within an hour has crafted an iconic mashup of the three songs: "Coming Up To The Mull Of Kintyre For A Wonderful Christmastime". Macca promptly heads down to Paddington Station for a train to Glastonbury, before finding to his dismay that (a) everyone is on strike, and (b) Glastonbury has no station anyway. McCartney (who remains cheery and upbeat) begins walking along the A40 in an attempt to hitch a lift, with Salt Bae following closely behind with a cameraphone for no apparent reason (and offering no help).
Will Smith and Chris Rock face their toughest challenge yet, when an administrative error at Center Parcs leaves the pair stuck in the same room of the Longleat Forest branch in Wiltshire. The warring twosome, who were both in England for separate film projects with Eamonn Holmes, are forced to share bunk beds in a dorm with a violent family of seven from Airdrie. Center Parcs apologise for any inconvenience but reiterate that, due to circumstances outwith their control (strikes), nobody will be allowed to leave their dorms until further notice. Smith takes offence at Rock stealing some of his chips on a room service order, bellowing loudly: "keep my French Fries out yo F*****G mouth!!!"
February
Workaholic footballer Callum McGregor continues his record of playing every single minute of every season for Celtic and Scotland, before eventually getting bored and trying to play every minute for all the other teams too. The dedicated midfielder hails a cab (the only option due to strikes) after Celtic's lunchtime victory over Hearts at Tynecastle, telling the driver to "follow that team bus!" before getting out at Fir Park and scoring a double for Motherwell against Aberdeen. McGregor is left with no choice but to clone himself like Dolly The Sheep for the other 3pm kick-offs, leading to multiple Callum McGregors storming pitches across Scotland and performing several lung-busting runs to the 18-yard line(s). Pundits on Radio Scotland's Open All Mics can only resort to footballing cliches like "he's given 500% today", as five Callum McGregors sprint back to Glasgow clutching multiple Man Of the Match awards.
Legendary film director David Lynch and combative union leader Mick Lynch agree to switch places in the latest edition of "Name Swap", in an attempt to solve the cost of living crisis. Mick Lynch produces and directs a series of dark drama shows on Netflix focussing on the spiralling bills faced by people across the UK, taking inspiration from every Ken Loach show ever. Meanwhile, David Lynch stands on a picket line outside a train station in Guildford with a massive megaphone, shouting, "It's February 24, 2023, and IF YOOOOOOOOOOOOU CAN BELIEVE IT, it's a strike day once again!" Prime Minister Rishi Sunak manages to get embroiled in another embarrassing viral clip, after attempting to board a train that isn't actually running due to strikes, then having to admit defeat and sheepishly disembark an hour later.
March
In an emotional sit-down interview with Salt Bae, George Ezra finally admits that he is clinically addicted to summer. Wearing sunglasses indoors, dressed head-to-toe in flowery clothes and sipping from a lemon ice tea throughout, Ezra confesses that all his songs have summery lyrics ("Blame It On Me", "Shotgun", "Green Green Grass" etc.) because "when I close my eyes, literally all I see is sunshine and rowdy revellers in parks". Ezra opens up to Bae that "the last few months have been tough for me because, well, as you know, it hasn't been summer", but now the light is returning he can't wait to surf a gigantic wave while holding a barbecued burger and singing Beach Boys anthems. Bae offers Ezra a chance to record a duet cover version of Runrig's iconic Maymorning to deal with his addiction, but Ezra rebuffs Bae's offer, scowling: "No. May doesn't count as summer. I NEED SUMMER! SUMMER, DAMMIT SALT!"
Paul McCartney is still wandering along the A40 trying to hitch a lift to Glastonbury, but nobody will offer him any help, due to him looking like a random busker with his guitar in hand. Eventually Macca (who remains cheery and upbeat) reaches Heathrow Airport, and looks for a Glastonbury coach in the bus station. To his dismay, Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby jump the queue at the last minute and take the last two seats, riding off into the sunset muttering that they are "working on a vital ITV documentary". A jovial McCartney chortles to himself, "never seen one of them before", before performing an acoustic medley of early-60s Beatles classics for a thrilled audience including Joe Lycett, Laura Kuenssberg and the five Callum McGregors.
April
Piers Morgan begins to confuse his endless hate-filled diatribes about Meghan Markle with his eternal rants about the Messi / Ronaldo 'debate', eventually merging it all into a load of garbled nonsense. The angry berk writes a Sun column arguing that, "Markle is not fit to lace the great CR7's boots!!! The goals / assists ratios speak for themselves!" Morgan prompty sends a series of increasingly unhinged tweets screaming that, "Messi is just a jealous spoilt brat who should bow down in wonder at our radiant Princess Katherine!!!" Piers ends up inviting his good friend Ronaldo to his pad in LA to escape the "woke pro-Messi nightmare" of the UK, with a sheepish Ronaldo awkwardly replying, "er sorry, can't really do America atm. complicated. tlk 2 u l8r hun xx"
An eagle-eyed lawyer spots a discrepancy in some of the legal papers in the classic Vardy vs. Rooney #WagathaChristie trial, and orders an immediate re-trial to spend the next month discussing Peter Andre's lunchbox again. Luckily the trial is shortened when workaholic Callum McGregor turns up (after a lung-busting run from Glasgow) and installs his clones as the defence lawyer, prosecution lawyer, the judge and the entire jury. McGregor wraps the case up in an hour, allowing judge Callum McGregor XVI to use the patented "Not Proven" verdict from Scottish courts and call a day on the whole thing. Celtic boss Ange Postecoglou remarks that, "well look mate, he's shown great dedication but I just hope none of these bloody clones sign for Rangers!"
May
The big smash-hit spring TV show is a documentary following Claudia Winkleman round the Scottish Highlands on a series of hillwalks with a dark twist. "The Gaiters" sees Winkleman climb a number of increasingly steep Munros with 22 strangers, but unbeknownst to Winkleman, some of the contestants keep cutting her gaiters with scissors before each walk, causing her boots to fill up water to ankle height at each river crossing. Winkleman has to guess who "The Gaiter Traitors" are each week in order to successfully climb each Munro and (crucially) tick off boxes on the WalkHighlands website. Summer-loving George Ezra attempts to join in with Winkleman's climb of the mighty Ben Lui, but is inappropriately dressed for the climb (t-shirt, flip-flops, swim-shorts and comedy sunglasses), and scarpers at the first passing shower.
Welsh actor Michael Sheen manages to single-handedly solve the cost of living crisis (but only in Wales) by going round every house in the principality and giving an emotional speech that makes people's soaring energy bills just disappear. The passionate Cymru resident manages to tour every Welsh house in a month, knocking on doors and bellowing an ancient bi-lingual Welsh / English poem. The initiative causes people's bills to literally evaporate on their doormats, with First Minister Mark Drakeford noting wryly that "this is great, mainly because it saves me having to copy all Sturgeon's policies". An exhausted Sheen reaches the last house in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, halving the energy bills of a retired English couple with a rousing speech about Six Nations rugby triumphs, before being congratulated by a beaming Salt Bae and a camera phone.
June
A hitch-hiking Paul McCartney has now reached Slough, and asks a passing Tim from The Office for directions to the bus stop. Tim looks distracted as he spots Dawn's ex lurking menacingly across the road, and accidentally gives Sir Macca the wrong directions. McCartney (still looking cheery and upbeat) whistles the tune to "Dance Tonight" and strums his guitar as he heads up a country lane towards Reading surrounded by a herd of mooing cows. Callum McGregor joins Sir Paul for this stage of the walk, continuing his record of not missing a minute of action by simultaneously providing bass, drums and percussion using one of those foot pedal things popularised by Ed Sheeran and KT Tunstall.
George Ezra's endless attempts to hijack summer play havoc with Wimbledon, as the shorts-wearing singer tries to break into the Championships on the opening morning. Ezra is seen approaching the gates at SW19 with two punnets of strawberries and five tubs of ice cream, promising to "feed the 5,000" on Henman Hill with some summery treats! Security bundle Ezra out of the premises with help from temperamental freak Nick Kyrgios, who loudly complains to the umpire that "this guy's cramping my style, man! And you're doing nothing!" Andy Murray wins a five-set thriller against Jannik Sinner in the third round, and uses his post-match interview to troll Ezra with the singer's own summery song lyrics. Muzza notes that, "yeah it was a tough match you know, he's a good opponent, but it's always been a good surface for me here on the green green grass... blue blue sky... you'd better throw a party on the day that I die!" to hearty laughter on Centre Court.
July
With police forces across the UK now on strike, Netflix step in to fill the void and start solving all the crimes. The streaming giant begins with its usual tactic of commissioning a slick four-part series on an infamous American murder, but before long they are reduced to trying to catch graffiti artists down by the River Clyde, and people who accidentally cycle the wrong way down Union Street. At the local Netflix Police Station, some of the Callum McGregor clones race into the office and work tirelessly to solve every single crime in Glasgow, with First Minister Nicola Sturgeon noting that "our Callum McGregors are now 28% more productive than Callum McGregors across the UK, in challenging circumstances". An exhausted McGregor leaves the Netflix Police Station after solving the last crime to be greeted by a grinning Salt Bae giving him an unrequested bearhug.
The Open Championship at Royal Liverpool is interrupted when George Ezra sprints onto the 1st tee dressed in golf wear and a colourful cap, and launches a 328-yard drive down the fairway. The summer-obsessee is chased down the 1st by security staff, Hazel Irvine and an incensed Rory McIlroy, who screams at spectators that Ezra "is angering me even more than that Saudi blood-money thing that Greg Norman launched". Each attempt to apprehend Ezra fails, with the blonde beach-lover playing a form of 'Speed Golf' in the frantic Happy Gilmore style. Ezra goes round in a course-record 62 before scarpering into 'Out Of Bounds' territory behind the 18th green and evading capture, singing "Blame It On Me" in reference to the trail of destruction in his wake.
August
BBC Radio 6 Music launch an internal investigation after one of their DJs plays two consecutive songs from the same genre. Mark Radcliffe accidentally plays two indie songs in a row during the Saturday morning "Radcliffe and Maconie" show, in a clear breach of company policy, which states that DJs are contractually obliged to stick to the agreed pattern of "pop - rap - indie - opera - prog rock - jazz - garage - death metal - 80s - trance - big band" at all times. Radcliffe and Maconie are suspended pending the findings of the investigation and replaced with Lauren Laverne, who now lives in a makeshift studio at Glastonbury, waiting for Paul McCartney to arrive and sing "Coming Up To The Mull of Kintyre For A Wonderful Christmastime". The sole exception to the policy is Craig Charles, who is still allowed to play three hours of non-stop funk and soul every Saturday night.
The opening day of the cinch Scottish Premiership is marred by ugly scenes, when George Ezra gatecrashes Celtic's home game with Hearts, decks Rylan and tries to unfurl the league flag himself. By now Ezra is only dressed in Hawaii-style shorts, and after grabbing the microphone and attempting some "TAPS AFF!" banter with the Parkhead crowd, the sunshine fanatic launches into an incendiary pro-global-warming rant, arguing that, "when I rule the world, the summer will NEVER end! NEVER!!!" Ezra is eventually rugby-tackled by Ange Postecoglou, who performs a citizens arrest and takes Ezra to Netflix Police Station for further questioning. A flustered Postecoglou is later interviewed by Jane Lewis, stating: "well look, I just don't want it to be 58 degrees all year round, I'll die a death in this black jumper mate."
September
With the cost of living crisis now spiralling out of control, Kevin Bridges takes matters into his own hands and moves into his second home: The OVO Hydro. Bridges spots his chance after noticing that he is booked to play the Hydro literally every night until Christmas, sells his house, takes a camp bed and one of those big radiators on wheels into the dressing room. Rishi Sunak threatens to overrule the competencies of the Scottish Parliament and prosecute Bridges, although the reasons for prosecution are never explained (and the threat is quietly dropped later). Bridges receives a rapturous ovation after each show, but becomes increasingly irritated when Salt Bae keeps storming the stage every night and joining in with the post-show bow.
Paul McCartney arrives in Wiltshire on his never-ending journey to Glastonbury, dropping in at the Longleat Forest branch of Center Parcs for a night's kip. Will Smith and Chris Rock ask for a song to raise their broken spirits, so McCartney (who remains cheery and upbeat) agrees to sing the chorus of Hey Jude on an infinite loop. Center Parcs staff take the chance to close the rest of the site (with George Ezra in police custody summer is officially over, so the log flumes were becoming obsolete anyway), leaving Rock and Smith alone in their dorm to ponder their mistakes. McCartney's rendition of Hey Jude is ended after only 48 choruses, when Owen Coyle sneaks into Center Parcs in the dead of night and turns down the volume.
October
With council budgets cut to the bone by 13 years of Tory austerity, a number of council leaders hold a crisis meeting in the big cafe bit at Edinburgh's Dynamic Earth to try and rescue the situation. They devise a plan for a new wave of so-called "Council Culture", where councils can inspire and reinvigorate communities with truly historic levels of parks, bin collections and wee subsidised buses, leading to a deluge of voluntary donations from constituents. Jeremy Clarkson is not on board with the plans, moaning that "council culture is getting completely out of hand - you can't even threaten to punch a councillor and post their address online anymore without some lefty do-gooder saying it's 'technically illegal'." Michael Sheen's attempts to plug the financial black hole with a rousing speech fail to materialise, as his powers disintegrate East of Wrexham.
Netflix Police Scotland are finally able to interview a handcuffed George Ezra (after two months of strikes), and manage to get to the bottom of his evil plot. A cackling Ezra confirms that his plan is now to steal summer, much like The Grinch stole Christmas, and take it to a private desert island in the Caribbean. Officers are concerned that this will lead to a Second Ice Age for the rest of the planet, reversing the Climate Emergency but in an equally scary way. Both CID and unformed officers are becoming quite stressed at Ezra's malevolent plans, when a receptionist calms the mood by showing them a viral clip of a cheery Paul McCartney singing "Live And Let Die" to a group of druids at a bus stop near Stonehenge.
November
At their wits' ends, Will Smith and Chris Rock are forced to team up and dig their way out of Center Parcs to escape their worst personal nightmares: each other. The feuding duo base their research on old VHS copies of The Great Escape and Prison Break that they borrow from reception. Smith and Rock can almost taste the fresh air of freedom when they accidentally dig their way into the Center Parcs car park, where Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby have jumped the queue to start a long argument with reception staff over a previous bill. Netflix promptly arrest the pair on suspicion of attempted jailbreak and return them to their cells, where they are forced to watch episodes of "The Gaiters" starring Claudia Winkleman on a loop.
On a layby somewhere near the Wiltshire / Somerset border, Paul McCartney suddenly has a brainwave. Every caller, texter, tweeter and e-mailer in the entire history of Radio 2 has been "on the way to Devon for the weekend". Surely one of them could give him a lift to Glastonbury? McCartney (who remains cheery and upbeat) writes a series of pro-Simon-Mayo signs and holds them up for oncoming traffic, but every driver is actually a Callum McGregor clone, single-handedly helping to keep Britain afloat with vital deliveries of food and medicine (since the Tories can't be bothered). McCartney doesn't grumble, strumming his guitar as he sings a chirpy version of "Eight Days A Week" in tribute to McGregor's hellish schedule.
December
The date has finally arrived for George Ezra's court case, which will determine if summer can ever return to the UK. Ezra arrives in Glasgow Sheriff Court suitably dressed in a floral V-neck shirt and Timberland shorts, sipping a piña colada, riding a skateboard and playing Red Hot Chili Peppers songs from a portable ghetto-blaster like in 1990s California. The prosecution lawyer brings a slew of allegations against Ezra, with key witnesses including Limmy arguing that summer should be for everyone, and that we should all have the chance to check out Daft Punk's new single "Get Lucky", which deals with a range of summery themes. Tensions rise when the prosecution accuse Ezra of also stealing the chords from the eerily-similar "Baby Shark" and using them for "Shotgun", with a man dressed in a shark costume bursting in and chasing a terrified Ezra around the courtroom.
The jury are left stunned when Paul McCartney ambles into the courtroom strumming a guitar, and finally performs his iconic mashup of "Coming Up To The Mull Of Kintyre For A Wonderful Christmastime". Sir Macca explains that he gave up trying to reach Glastonbury with all the strikes and hopped on a train to Glasgow Central, en route to the actual Mull of Kintyre. The jury are so overjoyed by McCartney's festive cameo that they free Ezra immediately, and Ezra is so happy to meet McCartney that he instantly drops his demands to steal summer. Outside the courtroom Ezra is embraced by a delirious selfie-taking Salt Bae and a crowd of Callum McGregors, and informs the assembled press that, "there's a mountaintop that I'm dreaming of. If you need me, you know where I'll be. BABY SHARK DO-DOO-DO-DO-DO-DO!!! BABY SHARK DO-DOO-DO-DO-DO-DO!!!"
HAPPY NEW YEAR
No comments:
Post a Comment