January
After
a year of rising political tensions in Britain and America, Prince Andrew
attempts to diffuse the tension by inviting everyone in the world to his
favourite Pizza Express in Woking. In a bizarre sit-down interview with Emily
Maitlis, “Randy Andy” confirms that he has a booking left over from “my mate
Jeff – top lad by the way” for a large-scale private function at the
beleaguered Surrey branch. Andrew clarifies that he plans to launch a new BBC
light entertainment show called “Walking to Woking” (in the style of “It’s A
Royal Knockout”) featuring royals like Prince Philip and Meghan Markle heading
to Pizza Express by foot to reduce carbon emissions while wearing funny outfits,
which are purchased from the incredible new sale at the St. Enoch branch of Warren James.
Fresh
from defecting from Labour to Change UK, then defecting from Change UK to the
Lib Dems, Chuka Umunna stuns British poltics by joining the SNP. In a profound
interview with Andrew Neil, Chuka changes his surname to “McMunna”, remarking
that, “at heart I’ve always been an SNP man: it’s just been a long road to get
there…ALONG THE BONNE BONNIE BANKS OF LOCH LOMOND!!! AND AH WOULD WALK 500
MILES…”, before donning a See You Jimmy wig, beautiful tartan kilt, plaid
Braveheart outfit and any other stereotypes his PA found in the Royal Mile 10
minutes before the interview. McMunna laughs off suggestions that his love for
the SNP will be short-lived, revealing a “STRONGER FOR SCOTLAND” chest tattoo
and unveiling his new catchphrase: “The party starts now…the Scottish National
Party!”
February
The
Prestwick Airport / US Military controversy deepens when President Trump stops
over at the “Pure Dead Brilliant” airport on the way back from a Britain First
rally in Clacton. The demented chimp alights from Air Force One to a windswept
runway, declaring Prestwick to be: “the best airport in the world, bar none, it
was in the Daily Record, do you read the Daily Record, failing paper but a
great paper, great guys, and we’re going to make this airport even bigger, and
you wanna know how we’re gonna do that, we’re gonna build it out into the sea,
no-one likes the sea anyway, it’s extremely over-rated, just like that
Communist Bernie Sanders.” Trump is eventually stopped by airport security and
informed that he is actually screaming at the pedestrian bridge on Shawfarm
Road. Prince Andrew receives word that Trump has landed safely in the UK, and
promptly invites him to the big peace-making dinner at Woking Pizza Express,
noting that, “he could take Jeff’s seat. Might raise the tone, actually.”
Controversial
Remain lawyer and fox-killer Joylon Maugham QC is rewarded for his
headline-grabbing antics with a new prime-time TV show, “Fox In The Box”.
Maugham is given a baseball bat signed by famous thugs such as Vinnie Jones and
Alfredo Morelos, a cardboard fox and a defenceless vixen. Host Unai Emery
wishes Maugham a “Good Ebening” before going through the rules: Maugham must
break the cardboard on all six sides without touching the fox. If the fox is
injured in any way, Maugham will have no alternative but to finish it off with
a sawn-off shotgun. The show is moved to the post-watershed slot after the first episode when the fox
breaks out of the box and chins Maugham, leading referee Andrew Dallas to award
a penalty to Rangers.
March
A global UN summit is called at the massive WEST Brewery on
Glasgow Green to deal with the critical emergency of loaves of bread never
having 20 slices. There are tearful pleas from world leaders such as Emmanuel
Macron, Indonesian President Jokowi and Phillip Schofield, who all describe the
pain of getting to Friday lunchtime in the office and discovering they only
have two slices of bread left. Justin Trudeau (dressed for the day as Jay-Z)
pleads with the UN to solve the crisis, wailing: “I like two sandwiches at lunch.
You like two sandwiches at lunch. That’s four slices of bread, so 20 a week.
Why can’t I go to the mall on a Sunday evening and buy my goddamn 20 slices?!”
Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe interjects: “Once I bought one from Tesco then
it turned out it had 19 slices. I mean, what kind of sicko does that to
someone?” The summit ends with a global declaration to ensure all loaves
contain 20 slices, as an inspirational closing montage plays to Panic! At The
Disco’s big new single, “High Hopes”.
Scotland’s
EURO 2020 play-offs are thrown into chaos when UEFA suddenly force through a
dramatic rule change with 24 hours notice. Steve Clarke is banned from
selecting any players currently playing outwith Scotland, but is allowed to
pick any Scottish Premiership players regardless of birthplace. Andy Robertson,
Scott McTominay, Kenny McLean and Ryan Fraser are all ruled out, but Alfredo
Morelos and Odsonne Edouard start up front for The Dark Blues against Israel,
both netting hat-tricks in a 6-0 win. In a dramatic final shootout in Belgrade,
Fraser Forster saves the crucial penalty to send Scotland to the Euros after 22
years of pain! Commentator Ian Crocker notes that “The Tartan Army Never Do It
The Easy Way”, while an angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to blame “Clarke, McLeish,
the Hampden seating layout and the beaks at the SFA” for making him feel
uncomfortably happy to be Scottish.
April
The
latest edition of NameSwap features its highest drama yet, as Rod Stewart and
Rory Stewart swap places for the day. Rod Stewart heads to LBC for an interview
with James O’Brien on Brexit trade negotiations, spreading his legs out in a
really weird way and announcing plans to be “the most centrist politician
you’ve ever met”. Meanwhile, Rory Stewart impregnates 28% of London by
dinnertime, before re-recording “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” and irritating The Green
Brigade. A pensive Prince Andrew tweets Rory Stewart from Pizza Express, noting
that, “You seem to catch the ladies’ eyes Rory. How do you do it? And, well,
can I do it too?” A flustered Scott Brown accidentally likes the tweet before apologising to Neil Lennon, then relaxes by watching "Fox In The Box" with Joylon Maugham QC.
Prime
Minister Boris Johnson breaks off from another Jeremy Kyle DNA test to head to
Edinburgh. The chaos-haired authoritarian launches a new shop, the “Military
Tattoo Parlour”, forcing terrified youngsters to cover their arms with Union
Jacks “to feel more British”. A man with an eccentric accent (described as
‘Edinburgh English’) provides enthusiastic commentary as the captive teenagers
are driven to a tattoo parlour in the Old Town in Ruth Davidson’s tank before
being coerced into watching three hours of army bagpipes and fireworks. Chuka
McMunna is still stood in the Royal Mile (attempting to memorise “There’s A
Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose” in time for the Fringe), but is so horrified by
the flagrant nationalism on show that he quits the SNP “just in case”. Chuka
decides to play things safe with his next move and avoid nationalism altogether
by joining The Green Party, adding that, “The party starts now…The Green
Party!”
May
Lewis
Capaldi suffers a major setback when his record label drops him for having an
Italian surname. Any names deemed “too foreign” by the Brexitty Tory Government
are subject to a one-job-per-surname quota, with Peter Capaldi already bagging
the only available job on a first-come-first-served basis. A desperate Lewis is
forced to go underground and work on an illegal cash-in-hand basis at Aldi,
rebadging himself as Lewis Cap-Aldi. The neddy genius dons a baseball cap with
the Aldi logo for each shift (receiving a frightening number of retweets for
each selfie), before taunting Boris Johnson with the trolling message: “Haha
got a wee hyphen so technically it’s a different name now. Ya bam.” Cap-Aldi
is eventually sacked by Aldi for stealing James Arthur’s voice, although in his
sacking interview store bosses admit that he is “clearly a nicer bloke than
James Arthur”.
In Prestwick, Donald Trump considers staying longer-term and
sleeping in his nearby hotel at Turnberry like Alan Partridge, before
remembering that a room costs £10 million a night. The orange fascist takes a
wander down to the Main Street, getting into petty squabbles with pensioners in
the Post Office queue and ordering massive steak bakes from the Electric Bakery
every single morning. Taking a seat in Boydfield Gardens, Trump takes a moment
to tweet insults at famous Prestwick celebrities, noting that: “The failing
MacDonald Brothers (who are the biggest pair of losers) crashed and burned on
the British version of American Idol, and won’t even show their faces in their
own tiny little village, SAD. If I find Drew Galloway or McIntyre or whatever
he’s called now, I will make him crumble in the face of Our Country’s Great
Military.” WWE superstar McIntyre sneaks up on Trump from behind the swings and hits the
impeached troglodyte with his patented FutureShock DDT, causing referee Andrew
Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers.
June
Scotland’s
big day in the sun finally arrives, as Hampden hosts the EURO 2020 finals match
against the Czech Republic. Morelos bags another two goals as the Scots easily
see off the Czechs, due to the Czech domestic leagues being a bit rubbish.
However trouble strikes in the Wembley showdown against England, when Andy
Robertson and Ryan Fraser combine to set up a headed Kenny McLean winner for
the English. Morelos suddenly turns heel by transferring himself to a Croatian
club side, then invades the pitch in a red and white checked strip in the final
Scotland vs. Croatia match, netting the winner then indulging in his
traditional pastime of stamping on Scott McKenna’s thigh. Ian Crocker sighs
that “The Tartan Army Never Do It The Easy Way”, as an incredible video montage
recaps Scotland’s EURO 2020 journey to the tune of Panic! At The Disco’s
massive new single, “High Hopes”.
After
the thrilling adrenaline rush of Wimbledon and the Cricket World Cup ending in
the same minute, organisers decide to merge the sports of tennis and cricket
into the combined might of CrickNis. The first ever CrickNis World Cup is
played out in front of a packed crowd at Lords, as Jofra Archer bowls a 96.1mph
delivery to Roger Federer. Fed smashes the ball with his tennis racquet aiming
for a 4, but Andy Murray shows cat-like agility to lob a forehand volley back
towards the crease. Ben Stokes catches the ball and attempts to run out a
confused Rafa Nadal, causing the cricket umpires and tennis umpires to launch a
mass brawl over the true meaning of the word “OUT”. In a post-match interview
with Ian Botham, Murray muses that, “Yeah it was a tough match you know, they
brought a lot of pace, especially with the first serve, and when the umpire
kept saying “SIX” I was thinking, come on man, that must be at least 15-0 by
now”, to hearty laughter at Lords. Stokes later attacks all participants with a
mixture of cricket bats and tennis racquets outside a London nightclub with the
help of Joylon Maugham QC.
July
Chuka
Umunna quits The Green Party for showing too much joined-up thinking, and promptly
joins UKIP. In a bizarre Newsnight interview with host Unai Emery (who begins
by wishing him a “Good Ebening”), Umunna confirms that he believes everyone who
doesn’t look like Marc François should be deported immediately, adding that, “I
know that means I’m basically supporting the deportation of myself, but that’s
never stopped Sajid Javid.” Umunna signs off the interview by pledging that
only a UKIP government will stop “frittering money away on wishy-washy stuff,
like science”, before proudly adding that, “The party starts now…the UK Independence Party!”
Controversy
abounds at the Olympic Games Closing Ceremony in Tokyo when Justin Truedau
arrives dressed up as Usain Bolt. The cosmopolitan Canadian president
gatecrashes the arena in a yellow running vest with green strips round the
side, running up to everyone and doing the patented “Lightning Bolt” pose,
before crouching in position at the 100m track even though the ceremony is
still ongoing. As the festivities near their conclusion Prince Andrew appears
on the big screen, inviting the whole arena to the Woking Pizza Express for his
special “Heal The World” meal. Andrew also offers to carry the Olympic flame
(noting that, “I can’t actually sweat so the heat won’t bother me”), as an
inspirational video montage plays the best bits of the closing ceremony to
Panic! At The Disco’s phenomenal new song, “High Hopes”.
August
The
big summer anthem features Rita from Coronation Street performing a sultry duet
with Norris Cole, The song, entitled “Señior Rita”, exposes the private lives
of senior citizens on the iconic Weatherfield cobbles, as backing dancers
including Ken Barlow and Audrey Roberts taunt younger cast members like Tyrone
and Chesney by flashing their free bus passes and TV licences. As the sizzling
video develops, Mary becomes jealous at the attention Norris is receiving,
storming the set and decking Rita with Norris’ sweep, prompting referee Andrew
Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers “just to be on the safe side”.
A
group of worryingly macho 'lads' are spotted on the English border shouting at
passers-by that Gretna is actually in England. The group, who have no evidence
to support their illogical claim, continue to spout loud nonsense until being
interrupted by a local schoolgirl named Gretna Thunberg, who carries a small
placard confirming that, no, Gretna is actually in Scotland. The group rebuff
Thunberg’s claims, even as she whips out an Ordnance Survey map underlining
that Gretna is indisputably part of Scotland, as an increasingly large group of
schoolchildren gather round to back up Thunberg’s use of facts. “The evidence
is clear”, Gretna adds: “Open your eyes”. The lads pause before sniggering,
“Nah, don’t believe you”, and heading off to Woking for the big Pizza Express
with Prince Andrew, now straining every sinew in his being not to sweat due to
global warming.
September
Donald
Trump continues his tour of Prestwick, heading down to the esplanade and
sampling a Nardini’s ice cream while gazing out to Arran (described as the “best
island in the world, I created it actually, but they don’t tell you that”). The
Donald then spots a handful of wind turbines to the North of Ardrossan, launching
into a demented anti-SNP rant and screaming at his security to “get those windmills the
hell out of here, they’re fake news, I heard they don’t even work at night, did
you know that, yeah, I heard it on InfoWars and they’re bringing crime and
disease and only I can stop this”. Trump then searches for Streamline Taxis
online (insisting on using Google rather than Ecosia, for reasons he can never quite explain), but gets sidetracked on the Main Street and roped into a lock-in at
the Prestwick Pioneer Wetherspoons with his good friend Kanye West, who later
turns out to be Justin Trudeau.
Chuka
Umunna quits UKIP in fury after the shock discovery that they are in fact a
bunch of headcases, and resorts to gatecrashing actual parties in people’s
houses. The suited party-lover heads along Glasgow’s Byres Road one Friday
night (with Tinie Tempah in tow for some reason), keeping a keen ear out for
Freshers Week parties in student flats. Umunna then buzzes random doors,
claiming to be “a mate from the politics classes”, before heading up into
tenements with a ghetto blaster and playing party anthems by Andrew WK to
startled Maths freshers. In a shouty Skype interview on BBC News (during which presenter
Unai Emery wishes the partygoers a “Good Ebening”), Umunna confirms that: “The
party starts here…THE FRESHERS PARTY!!! DOWN IT!!! DOWN IT!!! DOWN IT!!!”
October
The
rowdy group of Gretna-deniers are hospitalised on the way to Woking, after
their car is written off by rising flood levels in Yorkshire. “Karma’s a
bitch”, muses Gretna Thunberg.
Concern
grows for the welfare of Dua Lipa as it becomes apparent that she is trying to
appear on every single song released in 2020. Lipa is only halfway through
laying vocals for a new Calvin Harris collaboration when she has to leave the
studio to head to another studio and record a new single with Clean Bandit. The
hard work pays off when Lipa scores a 40/40 success rate on the Big Top 40 (although somehow Jess Glynne still manages more) with host Unai Emery wishing her a “Good Ebening”, as Prince Andrew breathes a
sigh of relief that the playlist is now sorted for the “Heal The World” meal at
Woking Pizza Express. Lipa has to cut off the interview before its conclusion
to record new singles later that night with Sigma, Sigala, Jax
Jones, DJ Khaled, DJ Otzi, George Bowie / GBX and Tony Blackburn, although the Sigala single fails
to chart after Owen Coyle tampers with the recording and turns the volume down.
November
Children
across Scotland are thrilled by a new hit TV show on Netflix called “Naw
Patrol”. The show features a gang of hardcore UK nationalist bulldogs touring
the country in unnecessarily large vehicles to bark abuse at anyone who thinks
Scotland could be a normal country, always finishing with the signature
catchphrase, “NAW PATROL IS ON A ROLL BY THE WAY BUT!” The group, based at
their HQ in Larkhall, appear to have an underlying problem with Mayor Goodway
(that is never fully explained), before abandoning a hapless Cap’n Turbot’s
sinking ship in the River Clyde, gruffly yelling, “We voted Naw to lifeboats
six years ago. Get over it!” The show struggles in the ratings (dismissed by show producers as "just a flimsy series of opinion polls"), prompting First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to throw her signature celebration/meme/gif pose before unwinding by playing
Boris
Johnson shocks Britain by organising a sit-down interview with the fictional
character “Lorraine Kelly” to reveal that he himself is playing the fictional
character of “Boris Johnson”. The actor playing Boris informs the actress
playing Lorraine that, “after much pontificating and, eh, criticus arbitrandus
– that’s Latin, by the way – I feel it only fair to be straight with the
British people. And of course I am always very straight, eh, unless those, uh,
tank-topped waterm…” Lorraine stops Boris in his tracks by asking why he spends so
much time running away from Andrew Neil, Nicola Sturgeon, the general public
and his own children, but Johnson’s blushes are spared when Chuka Umunna
gatecrashes the ITV studio with tinsel, elves, mistletoe and sleigh bells,
screaming: “There’s a new party in town…THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!! OK YOU LOT - TAKE IT!!!”
December
The
scene is finally set for Prince Andrew’s big peace-keeping meal at Woking Pizza
Express. Master of Ceremonies Unai Emery wishes diners a “Good Ebening” as they
arrive at the restaurant, with Chuka Umunna’s Christmas Party in charge of
handing out crackers and fragile paper hats. The terrifying Duke’s plan comes
into fruition as he opens the function suite door to reveal a Tardis-style room
that actually fits in the entire population of the world. Randy Andy attempts
to hit a wine glass with a spoon before going “SPEECH” but accidentally throws
the spoon at Lewis Cap-Aldi’s head, clattering into his baseball cap and
causing referee Andrew Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers.
The
disgraced eighth-in-line to the throne reassures the assembled masses that:
“it’s been a bit of a rough few years for us all, and it’s maybe felt like a
bad dream at times. But since Donald is a bit tied up in Prestwick at the
moment, I’ve found someone you might remember from a few years back who could
steady the ship. A man admired around the world for his eloquence and ability
to bring people together. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome…President
Obama!” The room erupts into euphoric cheers, relieved that the Trump
nightmare could finally be over. The chair then spins round (like in The
Voice), but the 7 billion people in the room react with confusion amidst
murmurs that the man in the chair might not actually be Obama. After a lengthy
VAR delay, during which the world listens to a selection of new Dua Lipa singles, the
identity of the imposter is eventually confirmed. It’s…Justin Trudeau’s face.
HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAVE HIGH HOPES.
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