January
There
are incredible scenes at the Scottish Cup match between Celtic and Brechin City
when Conor McGregor begins warming up on the touchline. The demented puncher
confirms to pitchside reporter Chick Young that he plans to invade unannounced
and score the winning goal with a mazy 80-yard run and top corner finish,
adding that “it doesn’t matter what
weight division they are, I will drop every one of them clean.” McGregor then
sprints on to the pitch in a Celtic strip and unintentionally scores a spectacular
diving header own-goal to win the match for Brechin. Undeterred, the UFC
Lightweight World Champion vows to “fight
on”, before being kicked eight times in each shin by Scott Brown.
Tom
Hanks’ ubiquitous presence on The Graham Norton Show is finally explained, when
harrowing CCTV footage from the BBC studios shows the jovial actor being held
hostage in the studio between episodes. According to a hidden clause in the BBC
Charter, Hanks’ only option to escape is to find Will Smith and Gary Barlow before
successfully reciting the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap three consecutive times.
After a fourteenth straight appearance on the show (which forces him to
tolerate Will Ferrell, Miranda Hart and Olly Murs), Hanks loses his mind and
reverts to the lead character from his hit film The Terminal, sleeping on the
sofa and asking cameramen if they know the way back to “Krakozhia”.
February
At
a Commons Select Committee, the SNP pile on the pressure on David Davis to find
the missing Brexit Impact Assessments. Asked by Joanna Cherry QC how on earth a
responsible government could concoct a mess like this, a nervous Davis mutters
something about an overnight lane closure on the Queensferry Crossing, to
scripted guffawing from the Tories seated behind him. Davis eventually agrees
to personally lead a nationwide hunt for the reports, enlisting the help of the
public with a new #FindTheFindings
campaign. New opinion polling reveals that Brexit is now as unpopular as chickenpox,
but must continue regardless.
The
never-ending speculation about the next James Bond finally merges with the
never-ending speculation about the new Doctor Who, resulting in a new serial
drama on BBC One. “Doctor Bond”
features Christopher Eccleston and Peter Capaldi battling it out with a bunch
of evil KGB spies on a steep cliff-face, before David Tennant arrives in an
Aston Martin and brandishes a Walther PPK pistol to scare everyone off.
Meanwhile, in a swanky Monte Carlo bar Tom Baker takes some time out from the
enthralling violence to request a “Vodka
Martini, shaken not stirred” in his dulcet tones as the iconic Bond music
plays in the background. The show’s lesser-known BBC Three spin-off, “James Who?”, is much less of a ratings
success, with Daniel Craig and Sean Connery wearing massive grey coats and silly
hats while hiding in a Tardis from 500 Daleks.
March
The
Sutton United goalkeeper who illegally ate a pie during an FA Cup match falls
foul of the law again. Wayne Shaw is violently ejected from a United Airlines
flight from Glasgow to New York for eating another pie while the flight is
taxiing, with staff dragging him up the aisle by his arms and legs before
stamping on the pie in a humiliating ritual. President Trump briefly breaks off
from firing everyone investigating his collusion with Russia to tweet that, “This guy is, I mean, what a total idiot.
He’s a jerk. We shouldn’t even have these planes, these big stupid planes,
landing in our great country anymore, WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY’VE COME FROM.
Think smart people.” An embittered Shaw brokers a peace deal by pleading that
“Sutton United and United Airlines should
be more, well, united”, and is allowed back on board with a 10” Munchie Box
and 2 litre bottle of Irn Bru.
In
Augusta, Georgia, fighting Irishman Conor McGregor rolls up at the US Masters
golf wearing a luminous green jacket. Stewards explain that the green jacket
should only be worn by the winner, but an embattled McGregor retorts that “you’re looking at the next winner baby.
Conor’s going round in 62!” McGregor proceeds to hack his way round the
course for a poor round of 87, misses the cut and smashes up the clubhouse with
a 3 iron, before vowing to “fight on”.
Replicas of the luminous green jacket are later placed on sale next to the
jewellery in the St. Enoch branch of Warren James, who are starting an exciting
new Spring Sale.
April
The
English Premier League’s managerial merry-go-round descends into farce, with
chairmen sacking managers every time they lose a single match. Alan Pardew is
sacked as West Brom manager after losing once to Chelsea, before Mark Hughes is
fired by Stoke for being 2-1 down to Arsenal at half time. The pressure of
having to avoid relegation (and grab a slice of the Premier League’s new £485trn
TV contract) develops at such a pace that chairmen increasingly feel compelled
to sack their managers after conceding individual goals. The chaos results in
David Moyes being sacked halfway through a dangerous Liverpool attack at
Anfield, with the West Ham chairman having to resort to plucking a random fan
from the away end for the remainder of the match. The chairmen eventually agree
to halt the insanity by just hiring Big Sam Allardyce, who promptly saves all
20 clubs from relegation.
The
EU ramps up the rhetoric in the Brexit negotiations by confirming that, as well
as paying $39bn, the UK must hand back its enormous stash of ABBA records. A
worryingly blasé David Davis remarks that, “this
proves we’ve got them exactly where we want them”, before banning the word
blasé for being too French. At the World Snooker Championships in the Crucible
Theatre, Boris Johnson and Phillip Hammond continue their #FindTheFindings search for the missing Brexit Impact Assessments, interrupting
a quarter-final match between Ronnie O’Sullivan and John Higgins to rifle through
the pockets for the missing reports. O’Sullivan smacks Boris in the skull with
his cue, as Hazel Irvine reveals a new poll which shows Brexit to be more
unpopular than contracting pins and needles during a hangover.
May
Tom Hanks has now been trapped in the Graham Norton studio
for four unbroken months. Disheveled and unshaven, he begins to resemble the
lead character from Cast Away, chewing on random pieces of wood from the studio
floor and befriending a volleyball called “Wilson”.
The threat of being forced to sit on a sofa for an hour with Tom Cruise, an ex-member
of One Direction and the guy from Mrs. Brown’s Boys drives Hanks to despair,
but a crew member calms his nerves by bringing vital supplies of toothpaste and
croissants. Hanks spots an escape route when he notices that Doctor Bond is
being filmed in the studio next door, but Tennant and Capaldi block his path
with a gigantic speedboat stolen from Russians. The only option is for Hanks to
order a chainsaw, but a quick Google search reveals that Warren James are now
sold out of chainsaws due to the overwhelming success of their brand new sale.
The
United Nations comes together with a heart-warming plan to bring the world
together again in harmony. At global crisis talks in the
Merchant City branch of O’Neills, the UN Secretary General orders the world’s
most dictatorial leaders to ease political tensions by recording a sultry new
summer song. The tune, to be called “DespotCito”,
is to feature all the world’s most ludicrous despots on lead vocals, including
Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Erdoğan and Piers
Morgan. Spanish President Mariano Rajoy decrees that if any lyrics in
DespotCito are altered from the original Spanish, he will indefinitely detain
every singer involved on made-up charges of ‘rebellion’. Trump immediately
refuses to sing any vocals in Spanish, remarking that, “they’ve got some terrible people down there in Mexico, I met some of
them you know, great people, great people, but really terrible and bad and oh
boy I gotta tell you, so much bad down there. I’m going to stop all this by the
way.”
June
Conor
McGregor steps us his bid for authenticity by taking part in the Wimbledon
tennis championships. In a one-sided contest on Centre Court the violent Dubliner
is obliterated by Andy Murray 6-0 6-0 6-1. The one bright spot for McGregor is winning
a game in the third set when Murray is distracted by his iPlayer app, which
shows the recent episode of The Graham Norton Show with special guests Tom
Hanks, Bradley Cooper, Rihanna and Philip Schofield. Afterwards McGregor vows
to “fight on”, as Murray remarks
that, “it was a really tough match, you
know, he’s got a strong serve, I had to watch out for his backhand and…and…well
no actually. He’s a total moron.”
There
are scenes of joy across Scotland as Alex Salmond negotiates with his good
friend Vladimir Putin for Scotland to attend the Russian World Cup despite not
qualifying. At an emotional opening ceremony in Moscow, Salmond joins with
every Labour, Tory and Lib Dem politician ever to have appeared on the Russia
Today channel, filling the stage to perform a touching rendition of the Russian
national anthem (although Salmond is the only one to receive media criticism
for his singing). Leigh Griffiths scores a hat-trick against Japan and Scotland
begins to believe once again, until Putin has the striker ‘ex-communicated’ by
the KGB “for a laugh”. After an
inevitable elimination at the hands of Panama, the national team trudges back
to Glasgow to raise their spirits by taking in the exciting new sale at Warren
James.
July
An
increasingly jealous Theresa May begins to wonder why she wasn’t invited to the
recording of DespotCito. The eternally beleaguered Prime Minister WhatsApps the
UN Secretary General for an explanation, noting that, “you need us a lot more than we need you. No song is better than a bad
song.” The Secretary General replies that, “it’s not for the lack of trying, Theresa, but you’re just too rubbish
to be a believable fascist LOL ROFLMFAO.” An incensed May blocks the Secretary
General and calls a snap General Election to determine which UK politician can
collaborate on DespotCito. On the steps of Downing Street, May informs a packed
press corps that, “if I lose just six
votes, then Jeremy Corbyn will be sitting down at the recording studio laying
down some sick vocals on redistributive economics. We must crush him.”
BBC
Two’s big ratings smash hit of the summer is an outdoors documentary featuring
Cameron McNeish and the Edward Cullen character from Twilight trying out some
rock-climbing on the Isle of Skye. Entitled “Cullen
in the Cullin”, the show focuses on Robert Pattinson’s attempts to tick off
all 12 Munros in the Black Cullin while being chased by an enormous pack of
rabid werewolves. A stressed Pattinson relieves the tension by joining McNeish
in the Sligachan Hotel bar each night to sing acoustic Runrig covers, but on
Day 4 the pair encounter problems when Doctor Bond begins filming overhead.
Peter Capaldi and Jodie Whittaker jump out of a helicopter onto the summit of
Sgurr nan Gillean looking sly and brandishing Sterling AR180 rifles, which at
least scares off the werewolves. The BBC Three spin-off show “James Who?” continues to struggle, with
Russian bots e-mailing the Daily Mail angrily seething that, “It’ll probably be ‘Jane Who?’ next,
EH?????!!!!!1”
August
The
#FindTheFindings search continues
apace, with Theresa May running through fields of wheat in Yorkshire looking
for the Brexit Impact Assessments. With no sign of the missing reports, May asks
Sir Bob Geldof to compile a strong and stable list of available singers to
compile a charity single to aid the mission. Geldof responds that every single
singer in the British Isles is currently collaborating with Ed Sheeran on new
versions of Perfect, and hangs up the phone after swearing 29 times. Sheeran
has now recorded the song with Beyoncé, Andrea Bocelli, Taylor Swift, Zara
Larsson, Dua Lipa, U2, The Chainsmokers, Shakin’ Stevens, Sean Paul and Tom
Jones, but remarks that he is “still
looking for the perfect version of ‘Perfect’ on unleash on the public.” Sheeran’s
exclusive interview on Des Clarke’s Capital
Breakfast Show is marred when Owen Coyle sneaks into the production room
and turns the volume down.
This
year’s annual General Election fails to find a conclusive winner yet again,
resulting in confusion for the UK’s representative on DespotCito. The final
result leaves the deep uncertainty of a ‘Hung
Verse’, where Corbyn and May have to share vocal duties on the third verse.
Corbyn enlists the help of his Mexican wife to master the Spanish lyrics, but
May is restricted to Google Translate and the expertise of Boris Johnson, who
advises the PM to “just sing something
about England’s frolicsome victory over those nincompoops at the Armada. We’re
taking back control of this third verse.” Ex-Deputy PM Damien Green is
arrested after the full saucy lyrics to DespotCito are found on his Whitehall
work machine.
September
A
creepy new Netflix drama strikes an instant chord with viewers across the
world. “St-Rangers Things” follows a
terrified Kenny Miller and Winona Ryder underneath the Govan streets and
shipyards into a hidden dimension where the old Rangers still exists. The Ibrox
legend manages to create clones of Paul Gascoigne and Brian Laudrup (who takes
on the role of “Eleven” due to his
old squad number), but trouble strikes when the reunion is interrupted by
enormous shape-shifting monsters with the faces of Craig Whyte, Charles Green
and Mike Ashley. The show is eventually cancelled after accruing soaring debts
and owing £80m to Netflix, but comes back on Amazon Prime calling itself “THE
St-Rangers Things”. An eagerly-anticipated ‘Statement By Rangers’ confirms
that, “moan tae f**k man, youse aw know
it’s the same show”.
The
recording of DespotCito finally takes place at the iconic King Tuts Wah Wah Hut
in St. Vincent Street. Liam and Noel Gallagher act as peacekeepers as Trump,
Putin, Erdoğan, Rajoy and Piers Morgan sing with
passion about the joys of being a successful despot. Kim Jong-Un remarks that, “this is how we do it down in Pyongyang”,
while Corbyn and May’s ‘Hung Verse’
turns into a battle rap about the various qualities of socialism and ultra-Thatcherite
capitalism. The ‘Hung Verse’ ends
with a sense of heartening unity as the pair agree that leaving the EU, bludgeoning
the UK economy and increasing tensions in Northern Ireland is a “win-win-win” idea, despite a new Ipsos
MORI poll confirming that Brexit is now as unpopular as the hunters who shot
Bambi’s mum. Philippines President Duterte finds traces of cannabis in the King
Tuts toilets, and afterwards has the entire building destroyed.
October
Tom
Hanks has now been trapped in the Graham Norton studios for nine harrowing
months. Speculation grows that the likeable Californian is being held hostage
and forced to appear on the show every week as he is the only male celebrity
not likely to be arrested on indecent assault charges. Hanks suffers BBC cabin
fever and morphs into his patented Forrest Gump character, sitting on a bench
in the backstage Green Room and offering enormous boxes of chocolate to guests
including Angelina Jolie, Pitbull and Bradley Walsh. Gump receives warm words
of support from Gerard Butler, who reveals that he is also trapped in a
never-ending celebrity football match with Edgar Davids, Robbie Williams’ pal
and Ben Shepherd.
A
new law passed at Holyrood decrees that all footballers who play on Halloween have
to wear ridiculous costumes for the entire duration of the match. Celtic’s
long-awaited 6-1 Champion’s League defeat at home to Real Madrid features
surreal scenes, as Scott Brown dives in with a two-footed foul on Cristiano
Ronaldo while dressed as Hannibal Lecter. Wee James Forrest realises a dream
held for all of his nine years by running down the left wing in a Superman
cape. Leigh Griffiths returns from his Siberian prison exile to grab a late
consolation for the hosts while dressed as the thumb from the Addams Family’s
‘Hand’ (no costume is necessary). In a post-match interview, Brendan Rodgers
(wearing a massive Dracula outfit and scary teeth) muses that, “my team were superheroes tonight, an
inspiration to us all”, before heading off to St. Enoch for the big new
sale at Warren James.
November
Conor
McGregor tries his hand at some rugby, sprinting onto the field at Murrayfield
during the Autumn Test between Scotland and New Zealand. The referee’s live
microphone picks up clear instructions for McGregor to leave the field of play
because, “with respect Sir, you’re
neither Scottish nor a New Zealander”. McGregor can be heard screeching in
retort, “it don’t matter to me, 30 on 1,
you’re all going down”. A concerned Gregor Townsend watches on from the
technical box as the Dark Blues and the All Blacks pile on top of McGregor in a
cross between a traditional scrum and a wrestling frog splash. A battered and bruised
McGregor limps off the field with blood pouring from his ears, kneecaps and
teeth, vowing to “fight on”.
The
UK Government’s attempts to #FindTheFindings
lead David Davis to Glasgow. Davis approaches the trip like a Ross Kemp
documentary on Glaswegian pubs, hiring full protective face masks and riot
shields. The Secretary Of State For Quickening Scottish Independence has a
quick scavenge in Tollcross Park, before becoming terrified by the accents and
retreating to the St. Enoch branch of Burger King, but the building is crowded
due to uncontrollable joy at the new Warren James sale starting up. The crowds
double in number when Tom Hanks suddenly appears through a hole in the ground
in front of the Yankee Candle store, having dug his way out of the Graham
Norton studio in the style of The Great Escape and crawled through a sewer for
350 miles. A chortling Hanks explains that the thought of spending an hour
trapped with Nicole Scherzinger, John Bishop and Morrissey was “the last goddamn straw.”
December
The
battle for Christmas No.1 looks like a two-horse race between DespotCito and
George Bowie’s new GBX Remix of the classic, “Oh Jeremy Corbyn”. However, a spanner is thrown into the works
when Ed Sheeran announces plans to re-release his hit song Perfect yet again,
but this time collaborating with every single human being in the world. The
globalised busker personally pays for 7 billion people’s flights to Scotland,
with Richard Osman using a series of complex algorithms to determine that the
Isle of Skye is the optimum location to fit everyone in simultaneously. Sheeran
climbs to the summit of the Inaccessible Pinnacle and whips out his patented
acoustic guitar, singing, “I found a love
for me…” as the entire population of Earth joins in. A Panelbase survey
conducted mid-recording on the Isle of Skye determines that 58% of people
dislike Sheeran but are having to join in with the song anyway, a situation
described by First Minister Nicola Sturgeon as a “pitch-perfect metaphor for Brexit”, which is now as unpopular as
James Corden’s We Buy Any Car adverts.
The
recording is going swimmingly until the shooting of Cullen in the Cullin
interrupts proceedings, with Cameron McNeish and Robert Pattinson accidentally
knocking over Sheeran’s pedal foot station thingmyjig while trying to abseil
off the summit of the In Pinn. The recording session is rescued when Conor
McGregor cycles single-handedly up the Munro, decks a werewolf at the summit
and leads the entire world in a rousing final chorus. The bearded headcase then
opens the satchel on his bike to reveal the missing Brexit Impact Assessments,
which he had found in a bin on Duke Street after a festive night on the tiles
with Gary Mackay-Steven. A delirious McGregor flies away on a passing sleigh,
screaming to the gathered earthlings that the recovered Brexit Impact
Assessments will be exclusively available in the huge new sale at Warren James.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
