January
Inspired by their successful journeys to space, the world's multi-billionaires agree on a new and equally pointless challenge to race to the centre of the Earth. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson meet in a lavish ceremony (over Zoom, due to current restrictions) and sign virtual contracts confirming that the first man to reach the Earth's core will win £1trn in Lottery funding, the right to take over the UN and the recording rights to 800 old sea shanties. Musk reacts furiously to online criticism by slandering everyone on Twitter as "jealous money-launderers", while Bezos jokes with journalists that, "there better be a decent toilet down there, ha ha ha: no in all seriousness, I don't do toilet breaks. Ever."
Livingston manager David Martindale hosts a thrilling new prime-time game show on BBC Scotland called "Doughballs with Snowballs". A range of SPFL managers have to stand in front of 500 opposition fans (the maximum number approved under current rules) and get pelted with snowballs, with the trophy going to the last coach standing. The clash between Dick Campbell and the Kilmarnock fans is a one-sided affair, with Campbell seeing off the relegated club with ease, but the Hearts fans pelt their own manager Robbie Neilson with a volley of snowballs for reasons unknown. Ange Postecoglou argues that the rules are unfair, pointing out that, "well look mate, Giovanni van Bronckhorst is a quarter of my height", but dusts himself down (literally) to seal victory in the live final. Big Ange raises the trophy in front of jubilant Celtic fans (including an unimpressed Bernie Sanders sitting with his arms folded), who serenade him with the "Last Christmas (I'll Give It To Postecoglou)" song, even though it's January.
February
On a drunken night out in Aberdeen with Michael Gove, FIFA President Gianni Infantino has a brainwave. To complement the bizarre format of EURO 2020 being held across the whole continent of Europe, the pair suggest hosting the 2022 World Cup across the entire planet! Infantino brushes off concerns about potential lockdowns and the ridiculous carbon footprint by telling assembled revellers that, "it's either this or Qatar. Take your pick." 210 wee toy cars from the Euros are immediately commissioned to bring the ball onto the pitch in each country, as a hysterical Micah Richards cackles, "I'm telling you Gary, no-one's gonna want drawn in North Korea's group!!!" ITV's Roy Keane is dispatched to Tokyo for the Group F fixtures, but is left furious by his "nonsensically small bedroom" and storms out of his hotel. Scotland are somehow drawn with Israel, even though they haven't qualified yet, causing commentator Ian Crocker to sigh wistfully that, "The Tartan Army Never Do It The Easy Way."
Valentines Day sees Boris Johnson plan a speech to each of his former lovers at the big indoor bit in the middle of Glasgow's Merchant Square. However, with Johnson's popularity plummeting his exes all shun the event, leaving him no choice but to gather together a ragtag audience including Handforth Parish Council, Allegra Stratton, Matt LeBlanc and The Guy From GB News Who Got Barred From Firewater. The preposterous lothario wows the assembled crowds with more hilarious Peppa Pig-based anecdotes, but loses his place in the speech mid-way through a tale about Nicki Minaj's cousin's swelling issues, mumbling, "forgive me...... ehhhhhh, forgive me......" as people begin to drift off and leave Merchant Square. With only a chuckling Matt LeBlanc left in the audience (Allegra Stratton left early), Johnson is seen mumbling to himself, oblivious to the empty room around him, even after Owen Coyle sneaks into the venue and turns his microphone down.
March
Energised by their string of public appearances over the last two years, Professors Chris Whitty and Jason Leitch begin engaging in a series of online barbs to prove their nations' superiority. What starts out as an innocent sea shanty from Prof. Leitch on TikTok quickly develops into a back-and-forward battle rap, as Prof. Whitty launches a string of profanities against Prof. Leitch's family, colleagues and parentage. The "online beef" reaches a head when the pair of passionate professors sign a contract (over Microsoft Teams, due to current restrictions) for the first ever Boffins Boxing Bout in a neutral venue on the Isle Of Man. Prof. Leitch reacts with an Instagram video confirming that, "there is at least the potential, going forward, for me to pop a cap in your ass, providing that this is within the guidelines."
Leaving Glasgow Science Centre for a practice run ahead of the summer season, the Waverley paddle steamer runs into trouble when the captain is distracted by singing along to one of Prof. Leitch's sea shanty videos. The boat inadvertently swings too far left then overcompensates by turning too far right, with both ends getting jammed on the riverbanks between Glasgow Harbour and Govan. With the ceilidh band playing on poignantly like on the Titanic, the captain requests for the Finnieston Crane to be used to somehow wrench the boat out of its stasis, but the crane is too far upstream to be deployed. Memes of the stricken Waverley quickly go viral, including a largely pointless JPEG of Leonardo DiCaprio holding the boat inside a glass of wine while laughing.
April
Inspirational scenes greet the fans (including an unimpressed Bernie Sanders) at the World Cup Opening Ceremony in the Falkland Islands, as Andrea Bocelli performs Nessum Dorma to a flypast of RAF / Argentinian fighter jets in a touching homage to the Falklands War, while Ian Crocker notes that, "The British Army Never Do It The Easy Way". England get every group game at Wembley as usual, but Brazil are left frustrated by a gruelling schedule that sees them facing Japan in Toronto, Ghana in Singapore and the Dominican Republic in Baku. Scotland are still hungover from their play-off victories in March, and lumber to a 1-1 draw against Israel in Timbuktu, while The Vatican City defeat Russia in Rome, with The Pope netting a spectacular diving header late on. In a post-match video interview with Gary Lineker, His Holiness announces plans to celebrate with "a cheeky trip to Dubai with Neil Lennon and The Lads", before rushing off to buy some bling in the unbelievable new sale at Warren James.
New claims emerge from Unionist parties that the Scottish Munros are actually all fake like the Marble Arch Mound. Scottish Conservative leader Murray Ross hijacks FMQs with doctored photos of scaffolding inside Ben Lomond, pleading that, "enough is enough. Just go Sturgeon, for the love of god." First Minister Nicola Sturgeon admits that Ben Cruachan is known as 'The Hollow Mountain' (because Scottish Power built some massive power station inside it years ago), but that the rest of the Munros are, "authentic examples of what Scotland can achieve when we all work together towards a common goal". CCTV footage emerges of Harry Maguire trying to flog tacos at an illegal vending stall inside Ben Cruachan, causing Sturgeon to lock down the entire mountain, adding at a press briefing that, "frankly, Slabhead deserves nothing less."
May
Disturbed conspiracy theorists launch their most outrageous claim yet, arguing that masks aren't even real. A group of knuckle-dragging zombies hold a rally in Trafalgar Square claiming that all masks are just holograms created by the New World Order "to control our breathing", and that anyone who believes they contain actual cloth is "just subscribing to the sheep theory that led to Clinton's underground blood tunnels". Things escalate when Ian Brown, Denise Welch and Right Said Fred call on their followers to start checking the public's faces to prove that masks are an illusion. A crafty Alex Salmond takes the opportunity to start investigating the mouths of passers-by, although somehow he avoids prosecution, later describing the incidents as "simple misunderstandings".
Secretary of State for Justice Dominic Raab hosts an incredible new gameshow on prime-time BBC One. "The C Is Closed" sees contestants answering a series of general knowledge questions, but if they give an answer beginning with C they instantly lose the game. Priti Patel lobbies for an extra stipulation to deport contestants after their elimination, no matter where they come from. The first episode sees celebrity guests such as Paloma Faith and Phillip Schofield struggle to come up with alternative words for car, before Schofield suddenly squeals "VEHICLE!!!" Raab fakes sincerity to inform Faith that "I'm sorry Paloma, The C Is Closed, goodnight", before closing a pair of aquatic-themed curtains with pictures of Nemo and the shark from Jaws, and singing a medley of sea shanties.
June
After trying and failing to break free from the banks of the River Clyde, the Waverley captain calls on the wee toy car from the Euros to try and smash into it. The toy car is not amphibious so there are fears that it might just sink once it hits the Clyde. Musk is now 1/3 of the way to the Earth's core, so is unable to adapt the toy car with any weird technology. Branson has reached the 40% mark and is sweating more profusely with each passing minute. Reaching for his phone, Branson texts Prince Andrew to ask how to avoid sweating, but receives no reply due to the lack of signal. A passing Bezos chuckles to himself, "I could probably do with a phone to message my family and friends now, ha ha ha: no in all seriousness, I don't do phones at work. Ever."
Young Scottish starlets Billy Gilmour and Nathan Patterson are both on the scoresheet as the Dark Blues defeat Israel 2-1 in Madagascar to win World Cup Group D. The match is marred by a run-in from Madagascar film characters Alex The Lion and Melman The Giraffe, with Alex trying to bite John McGinn's backside and Melman scoring a looping header with his 20-foot-long neck to give Israel late hope. The reward is a trip to Alaska to take on Israel, despite having faced them three times already in the group stages. Head coach Steve Clarke muses that, "they'll be a tough opponent; a team we know quite well to be honest", as Michael Stewart argues that only independence can break the eternal chain of Scotland vs. Israel fixtures across every competition. South Korea beat Argentina 3-2 in a classic in the Faroe Islands to end Lionel Messi's World Cup dream, before sailing to Singapore for their knockout tie against Iran. The South Korean squad sing a range of K-pop covers of sea shanties, as Ian Crocker notes that, "The BTS A.R.M.Y. Never Do It The Easy Way."
July
The feud between Profs. Leitch and Whitty escalates as Prof. Whitty slips in subtle references to demolishing Prof. Leitch during a No.10 press conference. Revealing a series of slides about booster vaccines, Prof. Whitty remarks that, "we really are DESTROYING our Scottish counterparts with these numbers", before cussing: "frankly, the NHS had better be ready to admit a new patient when I've done with Prof. Leitch." In response, Prof. Leitch releases a series of Rocky-style training vignettes showing him sprinting up multiple Munros and tossing cabers a full 85 metres to a soundtrack of intense Runrig, before turning to the camera and guffawing: "the data we have at this stage indicates that Prof. Whitty had better SAY HIS PRAYERS AND EAT HIS VITAMINS!!! Now these vitamins *are* available over the counter, but only to complement the booster, not as a stand-alone........."
Undeterred by searing temperatures near the Earth's core, Branson continues to fight through layers of molten lava. The ginger billionaire (who burns easily at the best of times) has now turned a crimson red, but jokes with cameramen/women that "I finally match all my company logos haha lolz bants." Musk has grown tired of the challenge, and emails his minions to request a new vehicle playing upbeat music to assist his journey. The car, tentatively titled "Tesla! I Can Boogie!", heads down the tunnel towards Musk (to the unbridled joy of co-commentator Ally McCoist), as Bezos quips that, "my employees better not be boogieing on their mid-morning breaks, ha ha ha: no in all seriousness, I don't do mid-morning breaks. Ever."
August
Ludicrous callers swarm the airwaves at Super Scoreboard continuing to rage about Steven Gerrard leaving Rangers. Even with the Ibrox club excelling under Giovanni van Bronckhorst, the callers still keep trying to one-up each other, with screeching tirades such as, "I set fire to his cardboard cutout", and, "I threw my own chimney at my portrait of the Judas." The situation reaches saturation point, leaving host Gordon Duncan with no choice but to banish the fans to the SEC in Glasgow for a conference to get the pain out of their systems, tentatively titled "COPE26". The furious delegates (including an unimpressed Bernie Sanders) gather in Anderston in an attempt to cope with the anguish, and punch each other repeatedly in the face. Eventually the Teddy Bears sign an agreement to move on from Gerrard's departure on the condition that Aston Villa are liquidated (the final text contains a suspiciously vague and watered-down definition of "liquidation"). The Clydeside Expressway is closed for the entire month, allowing James Corden to perform a creepy flashmob to an empty carriageway at the bit behind the Hydro.
Luck is on Harry Maguire's side, as a group of potential taco customers wander into Ben Cruachan. However Maguire's joy is short-lived when the group turn out to be a gang of boring Crypto Guys trying to sell him NFTs of monkeys wearing sunglasses. The group of ridiculous humans point out that the interior of Cruachan is a classic cryptocurrency location, with enough space to set up a billion work machines and kill the planet 'create' some more fake money. Maguire trolls the group by taking photos of their NFTs on his camera phone, before the lads are scared off by rumblings inside the mountain, believed to be the sounds of Musk, Branson and Bezos nearing the centre of the Earth. Maguire celebrates reclaiming his solitude by head-butting eight Greek sheep that had wandered in.
September
Yearning for the limelight after his heroic acts in Afghanistan, dog-rescuer Pen Farthing faces his toughest task yet, as Glasgow City Council ask him to save hundreds of defenceless cats from Govan before the next Rangers game. The bearded commando arrives at Ibrox Subway Station in the dead of night in a camouflaged Army tank (borrowed from the Bristol Bar), while the majority of rioters from #COPE26 are still finishing up their sentences in Barlinnie. Farthing rounds up as many kittens as possible before loading them in the boot and driving them round to the BAE shipyard, where they jump onto the stricken Waverley and just saunter across the River Clyde to the sanctuary of Glasgow Harbour. Farthing then heads round to a swanky gentrified joint in Finneston to be gifted with 18 of Harry Maguire's tacos. Slabhead is still locked inside Ben Cruachan and is now having to use the wee toy cars from the Euros as part of his business model.
October
Overshadowed by the #BattleOfTheBoffins and the billionaire's race to the Earth's core, Boris Johnson attempts to finish his speech with an amusing anecdote about Brexit petrol shortages. However, the overly-fertile scarecrow has still not found his place in the speech, mumbling, "forgive me...... err, forgive me......" as wee toy cars disperse tacos among a distracted crowd (including an unimpressed Bernie Sanders). Sir Keir Starmer posts a video arguing that, "at a time when the country needs leadership, the Prime Minister must simply: End. This. Speech", adding some mild swear words like "hell" and "damn" to look more cool. Bezos takes a breather near the centre of the Earth to watch a clip of everyone eating tacos in Merchant Square, chuckling, "Man I could kill for one of those tacos on my lunch break, ha ha ha: no in all seriousness, I don't do lunch breaks. Ever."
Riotous scenes mar the World Cup semi-final at Wembley, as England fans invade the Scotland vs. Israel match to protest their own team's quarter-final elimination at the hands of Germany in Antarctica. Special guest referee Jackie Weaver struggles to maintain order, as co-commentator Ally McCoist screams that, "I have to say, you have no authority here Jackie Weaver, I'm telling you, no authority at all!!" Eventually Weaver is forced to threaten the rioters with a Swiss Army Knife, fending them off to the stands as Ian Crocker sighs, "The Swiss Army Never Do It The Easy Way". In a post-match interview with Eilidh Barbour, a deadpan Steve Clarke wryly notes that "that's the fastest I've seen David Marshall run". Scotland's reward for defeating Israel is a final against Israel, but FIFA decide to shake things up even more by moving the final to Mars "for a laugh", with Gianni Infantino sending a pithy tweet simply asking: "forgive me... forgive me...... πππππ"
November
Electricity fills the air as Prof. Jason Leitch and Prof. Chris Whitty arrive in the Isle Of Man for the #BattleOfTheBoffins. Prof. Leitch enters the arena draped in the Saltire to the tune of "Yes Sir! I Can Boogie!", while Prof. Whitty predictably responds with a St. George's Cross flag and "Sweet Caroline". The first three rounds are cagey affairs as Prof. Whitty attempts to land punches on Prof. Leitch while maintaining the two-metre social distancing guidelines, while Prof. Leitch insists on taking a lateral flow test after every round and refuses to use towels. Ringside analyst Rio Ferdinand insists that, "Whitty's gonna win - I've never been so confident of a result", as the Whitty fans in the house launch into a "NEXT SLIDE PLEASE!" chant. However, Prof. Leitch lands the knockout blow in Round 12, after placing Prof. Whitty under anaesthetic (and distracting the referee with a series of pamphlets on flu vaccines). In a post-match interview with Leanne Crighton, Prof. Leitch remarks that, "it's possibly too early to say at this stage, but the preliminary data suggests that YOU JUST GOT TAKEN DOWNTOWN!!! TO CHINATOWN!!! OOOOOAAAAAHHHHH YES SIR!!!"
Victory is in sight for Scotland, as the team heads to Mars for the Solar System Cup Final. At Prestwick Spaceport the shuttle malfunctions at takeoff, so John McGinn gives it a shunt with his backside, before jumping in and singing a series of old space shanties as the shuttle heads through the stratosphere. Israel are struggling to pick their favourite rocket for the journey (with Eran Zahavi joking that, "we've got loads to choose from"), when their factory is hit by subsidence caused by Musk and Branson nearing the Earth's core. With no opposition on Mars, Scotland are awarded the Solar System Cup by default, as Scott McTominay parodies the classic "One Team In Tallinn" chant by singing, "ONE TEAM ON MARS! THERE'S ONLY ONE TEAM ON MARS!!!" A socially distanced group of Martian fans (including an unimpressed Bernie Sanders) cheer as Lyndon Dykes tries to lob the Jules Rimet trophy back into the spaceship, botches it, but due to the lack of gravity it somehow hits the target anyway.
December
Exhausted from waiting for the Prime Minister to finish his speech in Merchant Square, the UK turns to the only human still not despised by the British people: Freddie Mercury. The iconic Queen frontman (played by Rami Malek) swaggers into the House of Commons for PMQs in a tight-fitting white vest to euphoric uproar singing a 'We Will Rock You / Radio Gaga' medley, before leading both sides of the House in a rendition of his patented "AY-OH! AY-OH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAY-OH!" catchphrase. With the Speaker's calls for calm falling on deaf ears, a starstruck Sir Keir Starmer asks a series of softball questions featuring Queen lyrics, before confirming that Mercury is the #GreatestOfAllTime. Mercury attempts to answer by singing the band's 1976 hit 'You're My Best Friend', but gets stuck on the lyric, "Ooh, you make me live, Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive......eh, forgive......erm, forgive me...err...... forgive me......" Rifling through his notes, Mercury loses his place in the speech, until the wee toy car from the Euros zooms into the chamber to deliver the remaining prep notes (assisted by the Gazza goal from EURO 96, which lobs the notes across the dispatch box for Mercury to stylishly catch in mid-air).
Rigidly stuck to the banks of the River Clyde (and now surrounded by ice), the Waverley cuts a forlorn figure. The passengers have now been reduced to eating bits of the boat to survive, while David Martindale's attempts to lob snowballs do nothing to dislodge the paddle steamer. The captain receives a snarky tweet from Dominic Raab saying, "Looks like the sea is closed for you my friend, Merry Christmas ahahahahaha!!!" All hope seems lost, when a mysterious force begins to rumble underneath the ship. The captain has to grab onto John McGinn's backside just to steady himself, as the front of the boat is forced up into the sky like at the end of Titanic, before turning in mid-air and smashing down into the centre of the river! The captain turns round in a state of euphoria (aided by co-commentator Ally McCoist's tears of joy) to see a crater-like hole emerging, with Jeff Bezos clambering out to the riverbank having dug through the entire Earth and back out the other side. The bald billionaire is given the Freedom Of Glasgow by First Minister Nicola Sturgeon for saving the Waverley, and remarks in his press conference (watched on by an unimpressed Bernie Sanders) that, "this was a really tough year, boy I sure could do with a holiday now, ha ha ha: no in all seriousness, I don't do annual leave. Ever."
HAPPY NEW YEAR
