January
With
No Deal Brexit looming, The Sun launches a spirited new campaign to welcome
back 1.5 million ex-pats from Europe. The campaign, entitled #TheyreComingHome, encourages Brits to roll
out the red carpet for the sunburnt pensioners, as Health Secretary Matt
Hancock allays fears by confirming that he has personally purchased 280,000 massive
fridges for them to cool off in together. The OAPs are flown into Gatwick to a
hero’s welcome and an uplifting live performance from Morrissey, but all
connecting flights to Scotland and Belfast are cancelled when a mysterious
drone is sighted above the runway. With all British immigrants trapped in
Gatwick, airport authorities set them the task of vacuuming the Terminal 2
Wetherspoons with Dyson hoovers, in a nod to the only two pro-Brexit
businessmen in the Universe.
At
a global climate summit in Berlin, world leaders agree to swap the seasons
round “for a bit of a laugh”. The
delegates, including Emmanuel Macron, Angela Merkel, Phillip Schofield and
Coronation Street’s Kevin Webster, discuss the ludicrous recent weather
phenomena from ‘Beast From The East’
to the global heatwave. Dignitaries are cheered by last year’s news of the
Arctic ozone hole healing, but agree that the only way to restore an
equilibrium long-term is to crank up the craziness until the Earth’s climate
automatically resets. Justin Trudeau is seen returning from the shops with 500
bottles of sun-tan lotion as 35o temperatures and sunshine fill the
January German sky. An angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to blame the new record
temperatures on Alex McLeish, the Hampden seating layout and “the beaks at the SFA”.
February
The
House of Commons is finally ready to hold its ‘meaningful vote’ on Brexit,
after Theresa May had delayed the January vote to enable the House to take a
team-building summer sunbathing trip to Brighton. However, divisions are still
rife throughout the Tories and Labour, with Jeremy Corbyn yelling that, “Mr. Speaker, the Prime Minister cannot be
allowed to pose as a faux Remainer while seeking a fantasy deal from Brussels
and running down the clock to No Deal”, pausing for comic effect before
adding, “that’s my job”. The session
is interrupted by the arrival of a mysterious drone in the chamber, before
being chased away by a mace-wielding Boris Johnson. At Gatwick Airport, an
increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab braves 38o temperatures to yell
encouragement at the OAP pub-vacuumers, while explaining that planes fly very
high in the sky, sometimes taking people or goods to other countries.
The
“Find Your More” advertising
campaigns from London-based marketing companies threaten to spiral out of
control, with a series of increasingly ridiculous slogans with no grammatical
structure. Commuters rushing for their morning quinoa at Waterloo Station are
greeted with massive billboards urging them to “Let Your Cleverly” and “Brexit
Your Poetic”, while shoppers approaching the Bullring Centre in Birmingham
are stopped by the owners of a new ‘pop-up shop’ asking them to “Magnificent Your Stupider”. Marketing
firms across the UK begin to join in with the trend, with a Glasgow-based
consortium festooning Central Station with boards saying, “Pure Dead Your Brilliant”, and tourists outside the Titanic Museum
in Belfast repeatedly being ordered to “Catch
Yourself On With Your What About You”. A break-dancing Theresa May declares
that, “it’s great to see the people of
Our Precious United Kingdom coming together like this, Discovering Their Plenty
and Thundering Their Darker. I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.”
March
The
Garage becomes the latest Sauchiehall Street institution to suffer a devastating
fire. With revellers busy jigging to Vladimir Putin’s chilling cover version of
George Ezra’s Shotgun (with new lyrics), flames quickly envelop the entire
building, but in keeping with local traditions no-one is killed or even
remotely injured. An increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab arrives on the scene the
next morning to help with the dampening down, and proclaims the stunning
revelation that fire is very hot and can destroy buildings. Celtic rock legends
Runrig briefly reform for a charity re-recording of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, while a quick check of VAR confirms no
involvement from shifty-looking locals like Dave King. King of the Jungle ‘Arry
Redknapp pulls into the street and rolls down his car window, offering to take
charge of Sauchiehall Street until the end of the season to steady the ship.
The jovial Cockney notes that, “we could
get Robbie Keane in, he’s never let me down, Bobby Zamora, and maybe some of
those night-time security guards that stand outside disused warehouses with
them big puffer jackets, that’ll scare the bastards off.”
With
just hours remaining until the clock runs out on Article 50, May finally holds
the ‘meaningful vote’ on Brexit, with the deal passing by a decisive and
crushing majority of 3. A delirious May signs the deal and heads for the next
Eurostar train to Brussels, only to find that services have been cancelled by
the second storm of the autumn, named Storm Backstop. The PM hijacks a strong
and stable yacht to cross the Channel, following a shining drone in a
South-Easterly direction, but arrives at the European Parliament a disheveled
mess at 11:01pm GMT. Britain has crashed out of the European Union. No Deal
Brexit is here. An angry Da e-mails Question Time blaming Alex McLeish and “the beaks at the SFA”.
April
By
the following Monday morning, cars and lorries are queued back from Dover to
London on both the M2 and M20. Supermarkets begin to sell out of fresh fruit, while
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s previous call for the British people to start making “innovative jams” falls on deaf ears, as
everyone is too knackered from walking to work (due to the petrol crisis) to
become preservative entrepreneurs. Elon Musk offers to build a massive
inflatable life-raft powered by Earl Grey tea, but no-one is exactly sure what
purpose such a life-raft would have. The Tories rebuff Musk’s offer, resulting
in Musk calling every member of the UK Government “definite sex offenders”.
At
a riotous Prime Minister’s Questions, Jeremy Corbyn is accused of muttering
under his breath that, “I actually voted
Leave and find all of this humorous”. A quick check of VAR confirms that
the bearded allotment obsessee really said, “I
actually wanted leaves and some fine olive humus”, while a Facebook
conspiracy theory group remains convinced that he actually said either “Yanny” or “Laurel”. In the White House, Donald Trump breaks off from drowning
women as witches to tweet: “GOOD LUCK TO
THE UK WITH BREXIT! Great to see you taking back control without the
UN-AMERICAN DEMS AND FAKE NOOZ stopping you, oh by the way I’m going to shaft
you in this next trade deal, America First yeah? Who wants to see me punch a
Nicaraguan kid?” An increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab confirms that the USA
is a big country to the West of the Atlantic Ocean containing famous cities such
as New York, Chicago and LA, before heading off to buy items to barter with the
US in the incredible new sale at Warren James.
May
With the Scottish Premiership heading for a dramatic final
weekend, the SPFL courts controversy by scheduling all 12 teams to play each
other simultaneously inside Hampden Park. Beleaguered chief executive Neil
Doncaster blames the fixture headache on Brexit and laments the lack of
alternative options, adding that “all the
clubs are on board with this and it should cut the police bill”. Celtic
manager Brendan Rodgers remarks that, “well
the situation isn’t ideal, but like I say, I’ll pick a team that I think can
win this Royal Rumble”, while a pensive Steven Gerrard muses that, “eeeeeeeeeemmm well obviously I’m a bit
worried like, that’s 121 other players for Alfredo Morelos to attack”. With
half-time approaching and all 12 teams locked on two goals each, the match is
temporarily halted as an overhead drone distracts referee Willie Collum. An
angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to complain that the drone is the fault of Alex
McLeish, the Hampden seating layout and “the
beaks at the SPFL”.
No Deal Brexit has now left the UK without functioning
taps, ceilings or necks. A YouGov poll finds support for Scottish independence
at 49.9%, with crucial swing voters remaining unconvinced of the economic
benefits. With winter approaching, Theresa May calls a COBRA meeting and
appoints the cast of Peppa Pig as crisis tsars to avert catastrophe. A
chuckling Daddy Pig remarks that “I’ll
have a customs deal done in no time”, and sets about building a ‘Roadmap to Brexit’, before getting lost
somewhere near the Irish border in Co. Armagh. Meanwhile, dinosaur enthusiast
George Pig becomes embroiled in a tense argument with DUP leader Arlene Foster
over the existence of Triceratops. An excited David Cameron makes repeated
pleas to join the Peppa Pig COBRA meeting “for
reasons of utmost national security”.
June
ITV’s
newest hit show is a documentary following famous people called Will round the
UK in an attempt to solve local disputes. The show, known as “Will Of The People”, features
celebrities such as Will.i.Am, Will Smith, Will Ferrell and Will Carling
driving through Rotherham and Margate to find tense stand-offs over local
councillors’ overgrown hedges and double yellow parking. Every dispute ends
with the Wills taking a town hall vote, which invariably results in a disputed
52-48 victory for one side following large-scale bribery and a dishonest bus.
However, host Will.i.Am ignores protestations from the losing side, simply
screaming “WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!! WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!!” through a
gigantic megaphone. Willie Collum breaks off from the 12-team Scottish Rumble
at Hampden to join the other Wills, leaving the match without a referee, a
situation described as “a marked
improvement” by a wry Neil Lennon.
The
Backstreet Boys’ reunion gig at the Hydro is a resounding success, with the aging
North Americans opening with a rendition of their big new hit, “Backstop’s Back, Alright!” The Boys
outline the technical aspects of the much-anticipated Northern Irish backstop,
with sizzling lyrics such as, “full
regulatory alignment with the EU (but only on goods)” and, “can only be terminated by mutual agreement
from Westminster and Brussels”, to rapturous applause and screaming. After
a thrilling set (including the ceremonial torching of Article 50 to keep
chittering fans warm as winter approaches), the Backstreet Boys sign off for
the night by announcing news of a Panelbase poll that shows Yes support at
49.99999%. Outside the Hydro, David Mundell breaks off from mutilating a fox
for supper to inform pop fans that Scottish independence would carry greater
economic risk than No Deal Brexit.
July
Temperatures
across the Northern Hemisphere plummet to -10o as winter begins to
bite. All English cricket matches are moved to Indonesia, a situation described
by Jacob Rees-Mogg as “an ignominiam that
the Empire wouldn’t have stood for”. Every match at Wimbledon has to be
played under the Centre Court roof with the big radiator on, with Andy Murray
eventually winning the tournament after a pulsating five-set thriller against a
polar bear. Following an enthralling 6-2 5-7 6-4 6-7 (5-7) 6-3 victory, Muzza
remarks that, “yeah he was a tough
opponent you know, he’s got a strong forehand and I had to watch out for him
maybe eating me during changeovers”, to hearty laughter on a shivering
Centre Court. A combination of the big freeze and No Deal Brexit has left
Britain without any food except Pringles, beer and kebabs, with darts players
the only human beings maintaining a steady weight.
With
winter now taking place during summer, the Queen’s Christmas Day Speech is
moved to July. Her Majesty reflects on the difficult year the UK has faced, noting
that, “while Brexit has led to food and
medicine shortages from Land’s End to John O’Groats, I have been struck by the
common decency and resilience shown by ordinary people going about their blah
blah de blah etc.” The speech is interrupted by a drone flying in through
the Buckingham Palace window, before being chased from the premises by a
possessed Prince Philip carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Elon Musk pledges to build
a time-travelling nuclear bomb which will somehow dispense of the pesky drone,
but when royal aides ask how exactly that would help the situation, Musk snaps
and publicly defames them as “smelly arsonists”.
The Daily Mail blame the botched Christmas Speech on Meghan Markle existing,
while an angry Da on Super Scoreboard blames “McLeish, Hampden and the beaks at the SFA”.
August
A
new undercover investigation show on Channel 4 called SouthgateGate features Gareth Southgate travelling around England
in a beautiful M&S waistcoat uncovering betting scams and trading standards
violations. The likeable Yorkshireman is accompanied for the sting operations
by other iconic waistcoat-wearers such as Ryan Gosling and Dennis Taylor.
Southgate uses his patented mix of gentle pragmatism and basic common sense,
solving tense situations by putting an arm round the alleged culprits,
explaining legal procedure and outlining health and safety legislation as it
currently stands. SouthgateGate is
interrupted by the filming of “Will Of
The People”, as Will.i.Am and Will Ferrell career through a sleepy Hertfordshire
village in a huge red bus shouting at locals to embrace lawbreaking. The two TV
shows seem irreparably divided, before finally coming together to settle their
differences by shoulder-barging violent Real Madrid tosser Sergio Ramos into a
small quarry.
Sauchiehall
Street is left cursing its luck again when a terrifying fire rips through
Nandos. Crowds of 14-year-olds are forced to abandon dates to flee the flames,
stopping for some dramatic selfies on the way out, while one quick-thinking
Glaswegian somehow finds a way to incorporate the fire into the Jealous
Girlfriend meme. Miraculously there are no fatalities or even minor injuries in
the blaze, which leaves a cumulative total of 80% of the street now burnt to a
cinder. Elon Musk announces plans to invent a revolutionary system that squirts
out water all over Sauchiehall Street every time someone so much as lights a
cigarette. An exasperated local councillor sighs in retort, “the……what…exactly do you mean? Like a
sprinkler system, or just rain? Because we’ve kind of got them both already.”
An incensed Musk sues Glasgow City Council for hurting his feelings and brand
image, labelling them all “fat ugly
terrorists”.
September
Britain
lies caught in the grip of its worst winter since 2018, with the notorious “Guest From The West” bringing 120
centimetres of snowfall and a million penguins from Greenland. The Daily Mail
froths itself into a rage over the “scary
multi-coloured invaders”, while Chuka Umunna informs an icicle-encased
Robert Peston that only a People’s Vote can reverse the harsh winter and
magically return everything to normal like in Frozen. Theresa May resorts to
crossing her fingers and hoping that the public confuse the national paralysis
of No Deal Brexit with “Guest From The
West”, a tactic that proves surprisingly successful in Leave-voting
constituencies like Outer Rothernorth and Little Oakframpfield. An angry Da
yells on Super Scoreboard that the unseasonably cold weather is the fault of “that DINOSAUR
McLeish” for being too ginger.
The
Scottish Rumble continues apace at Hampden, with Craig Levein protesting “clear refereeing bias” as Celtic,
Rangers and Kilmarnock are all awarded penalties against Hearts at the same
time. The penalties are saved when Wee Jamesy Forrest, Alfredo Morelos and Kris
Boyd all run up together and accidentally stub each other’s toes. Amidst
growing fears that the match simply cannot be stopped, new Championship winners
Ayr United invade the pitch, with striker Lawrence Shankland effortlessly
bagging hat-tricks against all 12 teams within half an hour. Watching Scotland
boss Alex McLeish struggles to scout over 100 players simultaneously,
eventually tweeting Elon Musk to ask for technological help to create a
multi-camera system. The makers of VAR politely point out that such a system
already exists, prompting a jealous Musk to publicly label them “a bunch of genocidal monkey-buggerers”.
October
There
are controversial scenes in Millport when two random Russian gentlemen arrive
suddenly one morning begging to see the cathedral. Introducing themselves as “StandUp4Brexit63482361” and “TrumpMAGA92802845”, and reading from a
tourist brochure, the men proclaim: “We
have travelled all the way to Millport to see your wonderful cathedral, which
has one of the highest spires of any cathedral in North Ayrshire, standing at a
magnificent 123 feet (or 37.4904 metres in metric form).” The pair then
recall that as children in Vladivostock they often dreamed of cycling round the
island and visiting the world-famous Crocodile Rock. As the men are arrested
and the entire island sealed off for forensic investigations, an increasingly
sweaty Dominic Raab informs the assembled press that Millport is an island
which relies heavily on the shipping route to its main trading partner of Largs.
A Guardian journalist gleefully informs Raab that the island is actually called
Great Cumbrae, while chomping on a lovely Brexit dinner of pulled badger sandwich
with Salt and Vinegar twiglets.
The
Scottish Rumble at Hampden takes a surprising turn when Harry Kane arrives and
tries to take credit for all goals previously scored. A defiant Kane begs new
referee Richard Osman to check the VAR so he can bag the tournament’s Golden
Boot award. However, No Deal Brexit has left the UK with only a
semi-functioning electricity supply, rendering VAR almost as unreliable as
normal refereeing. With Craig Gordon assembling a four-man wall for a
Kilmarnock free-kick, Donald Trump interrupts the match with a message on the
big screen declaring that: “You have to
build the wall, just keep them all out, they’re bad news, they’re bringing
crime and all these diseases and stuff, great guys, great guys, but they’re a
bunch of jerks and Crooked Mueller is trying to ruin our great country by
letting these people in, DON’T LET THEM DO IT!!!” The demented future jailbird
eventually passes out from inhaling his own bullshit, during which time Kris
Boyd has slotted away the free-kick and eaten the entire stadium’s supply of
Killie Pies, before taunting a starving group of Aberdeen fans with his happy
belly.
November
With
No Deal Brexit decimating public finances, Theresa May announces plans to merge
all late-autumnal events into one combined extravaganza known as HallowFireFawkes Sunday. The event
(sponsored by Mozilla Firefox) begins with The Queen and Jeremy Corbyn laying
commemorative fireworks at the Cenotaph. A number of gammon complain on social
media that Corbyn’s fireworks are too small to be a fitting tribute to Our
Brave Boys, and that Ian Blackford’s kilt isn’t scary enough. The dignitaries
are then bussed up to Glasgow Green, where a collection of enormous Scream
masks and Dracula capes are shot into the night sky by veterans such as That
Bloke From The Falklands War. The glitzy event concludes with a special club
night in what remains of Sauchiehall Street, with everyone dressed in WWII
fancy dress while boogying to extended dance remixes of The Last Post and God
Save The Queen. Anyone seen without a poppy is thrown into a bonfire on top of
the old China Buffet King by podgy ex-army types in cult scenes reminiscent of
the Thriller video. The patriotic club night is marred when November party-pooper
Owen Coyle flies a drone to distract everyone then turns down the music.
The
next morning Glasgow is rocked by a devastating fire at the Sauchiehall Street
branch of WH Smith, which destroys up to 18 Gary Barlow autobiographies and 33
Pic’n’Mix sweets. Miraculously no-one is killed or injured in the blaze, which
just happened to strike at 6:45am with the building empty. With the entire
street now destroyed by fires, the smoke hits the Earth’s atmosphere with such
ferocity that the global climate finally hits the reset button, with grey
November skies and drizzle returning to Scotland. A gleeful Theresa May dances
up to the scene of the fires to officially declare the Avenues project
completed, when a VAR check confirms that one building remains untouched amongst
the wreckage: The impenetrable Hengler’s Circus branch of Wetherspoons. May
quickly dives into ‘Spoons to cut a deal with First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to
let England become independent from the UK to complete Brexit alone. An IPSOS
MORI poll confirms that only 49.9999999999999999999% of the English population
would vote Yes, with many remaining unconvinced about the economic benefits of
independence.
December
The
box-office smash hit of the festive season sees one final reprisal of the
thrilling Oscar-worthy Fifty Shades
franchise. The film, entitled 12 Days of
Grey, sees Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele donning jolly red and white
jumpers for weird Santa-based roleplay, with instructions behind the doors of a
chocolate calendar detailing different X-rated activities for each day. A team
of officials spend a suspicious amount of time in the VAR room checking through
the Director’s Cut for possible infringements. The sizzling soundtrack features
a risqué Rita Ora cover of Slade’s “Merry
Xmas Everyone”, as well as a salacious version of “Wonderful Christmastime” by Beyoncé. The Flight Of The Conchords
duo get together to re-record “It’s
Business Time” as “It’s Christmas
Time”, featuring the sultry lyric, “Ya
know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for Christmas, that’s why they’re
called Christmas socks ooo-ooooh!” The producers ban “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and “Santa
Baby” from the soundtrack for being too filthy.
The
Scottish Rumble is still yet to reach a conclusion, with Alfredo Morelos having
left the last 13 referees concussed (a VAR check confirms that eight of them
had it coming). No Deal Brexit has caused the Hampden crowd to metamorphosize
into bloodthirsty sub-primate species, with food riots breaking out every time
new Irn Bru bottles are smuggled in under the turnstiles. With the score
anyone’s guess, Ayr United gain inspiration from a pitch-side advert asking
them to “Find Your Honest”, with a
rejuvenated Michael Moffat and Lawrence Shankland banging in 20 goals in the
next 10 minutes. The Honest Men declare a state of UDI and promptly proclaim
themselves to be the new Scottish Premiership Champions! At a lavish trophy
presentation (perfectly filmed by a beautiful drone overhead), manager Ian
McCall steps over thousands of Brexit carcasses on the famous Hampden steps to
be presented with the trophy by the ducks from Peppa Pig. McCall thanks the
people of (South) Ayrshire for sticking by The Honest Champions on their 109-year
journey to footballing immortality, but his speech is interrupted by an angry
Da punching each of the ducks with a right hook, before grabbing the mic and
screaming that, “Ah’ve had enuff of aw you
beaks at the SFA!!!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR
